my mom just served us mashed potatoes with an ice cream scoop. When I asked her why, she said she thought it would make dinner 'more fancy'...
There is something about listening to Patsy Cline while pooping that makes the experience so much better.
It's always a relief to be able to look at some one, and remind yourself that there IS some one who gets laid less then yourself.
No... We were arguing over whose family is more dysfunctional... Then my brother stumbled in and puked all over jakes ugly dog.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
im just laying here pukin in my mouth and swallowing it 'cause im WAY too lazy to actually get up and find a place to vomit. this is my life now.
on my way to nyc to take a survey about my sexual activity. if you dont hear from me for a few days, assume they had me committed...
Also. This Ativan makes me feel fearless. I think we need an exciting new hobby for when we take it. How do you feel about ghost hunting?
Cut a hole in the crotch of my onesie so we could have sex without me getting cold. Best decision of my life.
Then my perve supervisor asked about your vagina. And I was like nunya, but its glorious
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
Out of all the things you could eat off of my tits you choose lettuce? Thats so healthy. Yuck.
Thanks to you I just drunkenly spot washed a Star Wars hoodie, at midnight on a Friday. If there is a greater level of nerdiness I do not know of its existence
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
Lost my pants last night. Really need to stop taking shots of whiskey like I'm eating skittles.
Randomize
