we thought you were sober enough for a movie but you took one look at emily blunt and screamed "aw this bitch?!" and passed out 30 seconds later
Her brother is deaf.
no wonder she was so good with her hands
There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.
Did everyone make it back alive?
You say that with such hope.
Is that a no?
Too lazy to get out of my bed thats 2 feet away from you. Are you sure youre alright?
It's basically the same plan, only step one gets revised to "look hot enough that he forgets I fucked his roommate"
Its ok. Im having a low day. About to mix cake mix with milk and drink it.
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
I want to wear Christmas sweaters with you.
Ugh. The fucking vaginal recession is so real right now.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
Fuck you. I've got onesies to keep me warm at night. And this bottle.
Oh my fucking god, I was conceived on the first date.
I'm so drunk and angry about the Michigan game the fact of my relationship being over doesn't matter
Randomize
