Princesses don't give blow jobs
its 10 pm and i am cleaning vomit off the ceiling. i am nowhere near drunk enough for this to be funny.
I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.
of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate
He pretended my clit ring was a door knocker.
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Just heard a girl ask "Wait you're not my boyfriend?!" to a guy wearing the Mickey to her Minnie Mouse on my way home. Made me feel better about myself.
I went with plan f. get drunk and start a fire in my yard
Pretty sure I have a sex related back injury. I'm not sure if I should be proud or ashamed.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
Just fyi i'm now butt naked in a steam room smoking a bong in some guys house. i sense the weed penetrating my pores.
Randomize
