He has some good qualities. Beneath the layers of asshole and fat.
I just realized that i have never seen about 30 percent of my friends sober before
I just had teddy grams, ritz crackers, and twizzlers for dinner. Hello, end of the semester.
peeing on that welcome mat was like, the highlight of my week
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
Fate is real! that hot chick, Megan just showed up dressed as jasmine and I'm dressed as Aladdin this is going to be cake
dude you literally had like 30 screwdrivers, i thought you were gonna die
that explains why my vomit smells like it came from florida
Ran out of deodorant. Febreze on a paper towel? Kicking college's ass.
She just called at a dance party, and you stopped mid puke to join. Another successful night.
I shit like a lady though so that rarely happens
So apparently I tried texting you last night to tell you I wasn't coming home, but all I had typed were lyrics from Evita
you ripped my door off of the hinges, kicked it in half and then proceeded to throw it down the stairs because i wouldn't make you a cheese burger
Your amazing boobs made me fall in love with boobs. I never cared about boobs you should be proud
It's a combination of amazing uncoordination, bad luck, and sheer determination to cause destruction wherever I go.
I am no longer and illegal Moonshiner. I just made thousands of gallons of incredibly High test alcohol with police watching and waiting for thare couple of jugs so that they can bring home and disinfect their houses with it. I'm fat with money at the moment.
Randomize
