Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".
it felt like a thousand fairies were licking my balls.
The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter
You tried to tip the paramedic for finding you.
There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.
he woke up with $200 in his pocket and had to buy his cell phone back from a hobo at the bus stop.
We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.
I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair
It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
Is it inappropriate to send a happy 3-year anniversary of having a threesome with you and your ex girlfriend on easter text?
Before I go in, is 'I just got a root canal 2 hours ago' a good excuse to show up drunk to yoga class with a 6 pack? Because if not I think I need to go home.
That's why god made go-pro's and tequila
I’d feel the same about religion. We can talk about it, but I want you to go down on me first
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
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