Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
No stitches, just platelets and will power
I wish that guy wasn't missing teeth
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud
Like. There is beer on the other side of that door and 6 yards in. If he's not back in 20 minutes to let me in, I am using this tree as a battering ram.
My drug dealer just texted me that his kid had a rough sleep and was running late to deliver the ounce to my office. Totes adorbs.
Oh god. I asked to "play his sexaphone" which I though was a super sex way to say "let me blow you". He fucking walked home at 4:30am
Hey your work video crashed my computer. The 8 pornos running in the other window didn't. Congratulations.
i fucking swear, saying shit like "i dont get jealous" is like personally inviting your slutty friend to fuck the guy you slept with like a month ago
Was I at least a good cuddler? Like at least honorable mention?
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I just ate beer and cupcakes for breakfast.... maybe this fourth of july won't be so bad
it’s about to be september and all i keep thinking is what if i go (another) full calendar year without having sex?
I'm too drunk to remember your name. I'm too drunk to recall where i'm currently at. And i'm too drunk to give a shit.
Randomize
