that thing about your dad's boner was meant to be a compliment
I need hand sanitizer and jesus.
I just saw the pics of me from the costume party as Party Boy. I've effectively cock-blocked myself forever.
They live so far away from me that not fucking them both would have been financially irresponsible
If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?
The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.
Postcard from jail please. Reserving a spot on my fridge.
Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.
Well the weed wore off around 10:30 and then the date dragged on until about 1 in the morning. So I've decided I really need to start smoking closer to the actual start time of a date. Then maybe they'd be more bearable.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
She's on her period. You don't know what fear is.
Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"
I just need to get a little drunker before I realize I'm not straight
If I hear that song one more time I will drive to hell and make John Lennon eat my ass.
Randomize
