I accidentally broke up with him while I was drunk which is really too bad since I'd just gotten a birth control perscription so we could start having sex.
Do you think he'd take me back if I said "dude, we need to get back together or this IUD is going to have an existential crisis for not realizing its full potential"?
I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.
What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up
I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell
Soooo, if his status went from married to single and he deleted all the pictures of his kids does that mean he's up for dibbs?
I'm considering telling her about my dream where I made a sex tape with her boyfriend. you know to test our friendship
you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor
i wondered why i had so many splinters in my hand, then i went out to my car and remembered id stolen an entire cactus
Stoned, drunk, and walking into the library. Look at me multitasking!
Just drove by where I lost my sausage gravy virginity
I'm mopping my WALLS now. And talking to my mop. I literally just told it "yeah I kno that dirt doesn't wanna come off but were gonna get aren't we?" This is some good snow!!! mini maid needs to give it to their maids. The world would be spotless!!!!
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
i got kicked out of McDonald's for demanding a margarita mcflurry
She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.
Don't ask but i need a priest, a calzone, a litre of gravy, and exactly 7 oreos
And a bag of nachos
Randomize
