i just told my mom tuesday boozeday rhymes so that she can remember not to text or call me on wednesday mornings
youre going to kill that woman one of these days
at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning
Hurry up and get here. I already announced to the bar that you were on a mission to get laid tonight. I have 3 takers.
Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.
Casually brushing the Bacardi out of my hair. It's a good time to ponder regretting everything that happened last night.
When your boyfriends ex-girlfriend texts you to see what you're wearing to his sister's wedding that you were not invited to, nor knew about. I think it's time to call it quits.
Boise Idaho, where you have a one night stand with someone from your town 3 states away and run into them the day you return...
It's midsummers eve. A.k.a. come over so we can get drunk and wear leaf crowns
I'm smoking pot with a man in a pink suit, size 15 wide shoes who bought his bowl from a place called Chinese Bling Bling while I'm dressed as a unicorn drinking pumpkin beer
LMAO I like how "don't worry I'll bring chasers" is your way of assuring things will be ok
I don't even know if he's actually hot or just hot because he plays hockey..
You did not just say that.
I DEMAND FORESKIN
I'm like a bad decision making factory. I need to sit down and have a chat with my decision making elves.
Well, for starters, you were growling and slurping beer from a puddle on the carpet. Let's all hope that was beer...
If it's any consolation she turned out to be has a collection of clown dolls she talks to crazy. And the cops knew why I was calling when she key locked the door from inside.
Randomize
