im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
How come I'm the only one who's around when people show up? I had just taken a shit, I wasn't wearing pants, phantom of the opera was playing and the fridge said PENIS.
Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.
Well, let's see..I held him while he cried for 30-40 minutes, woke up on his couch AND he gave me a ride home in his underwear. Shit show is not even the half of it.
Scary truckers and hobos. These are the men I attract
I think my boss gives me work off weekends because he doesn't want me showing up hungover anymore..
Then I'll go home and you two can do whatever two same sex heterosexual soul mates do
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
I feel badly that he has cancer, but this does not mean I am obligated to have sex with him. Again.
I just took a service station dump so foul I had to buy gas out of guilt
The day I let him eat me out will be the day that Donald trump is an honest, kind, non-bigoted member of society
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
i found a picture from last night of you sat on the floor naked, covered in butter and crying. care to explain?
I was hoping you could tell me..
I've been drunk texting you for weeks, and you watched me puke outside your house... I say it's time we meet in person.
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