if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am
so... thinking about masturbating finally
taking the losers way out I see
You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
Dude, you left ME alone in your house. With your fully-stocked wine cellar. Why would you do that to yourself?
I wish I was a power ranger. Also the universe is immense. Like it never ends. Never.
About to be a 4Loko vomit fountain in 45 seconds, what color will it be? Animated birds will fly out of me.
He was nothing but deer-caught-in-headlight eyes and dick, it was adorable
I think I died and satan has brought me back to life and I'm paying for my sins with this hangover
So our bartender was in the bathroom the same time I was so I ordered a beer mid stream.....is that weird?
I HAVE DISCOVERED LONDON AND IT FILLS ME WITH JOY
His balls will have been in my mouth at least once by this time tomorrow.
Just calling to thank you for not dying. I love you.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
