Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.
She swung at the pinata with crutches
I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"
We were making condiment sandwiches, then her husband kept trying to get me to sleep with her. I hate being the only lesbian at the party.
See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...
i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.
Me: 10% human, 90% poor drunken life choices.
I needed tweezers to get my thong out of my ass this morning.
COME HERE AND I WILL SUCK YOUR COCK UNDER THE LIGHT OF THIS BEAUTIFUL ELECTRICITY
Dude, if that was the MLB player I think it was leaving your bedroom this morning please tell me you got his autograph. It could pay the rent for like six months.
Sorry about peeing on your phone last night
PROBABLY?!! And here I was, about to buy you a glow-in-the-dark banana-flavored cock ring... Now I "probably" won't.
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
