Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.
please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr
I literally saw him try to open a beer can with his anus. We need o step up our game.
no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.
This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.
No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...
Ran into his mom at the bar, i told her "i know he's married now but I'd still do him"
Pro: she asked me to be a bridesmaid. Con: i only have about nine months to get over a phobia of midget strippers.
You know what's awkward? Being with your girlfriend and seeing her ex-boyfriend that she left for you while you've got a Ron Burgundy level awkward boner.
We're eating jello shots in the library. I love the day after Valentine's
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
Afternoon delight is playing while I take a shit at mcdonalds
might I remind you I fucked a 21 year old and almost did coke with strangers? you definitely came out on top
I don’t understand his energy
What? Nice? Lmao
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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