so you masturbated because Oprah told you?
its like the voldemort of pregnancies, we don't talk about it
if we break up, who will get the dealer?
She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better
I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.
I have a calendar reminder for world domination today, you wouldn't happen to know anything about that would you?
I just want to pat him on the head, bake him some cookies, and reassure him that, someday, he will get laid.
just for future reference, lake water is NOT mix for hard stuff. nor is it an adequate substitute.
I woke up and discovered I gave new meaning to the term "pizza pockets" yes it's exactly like it sounds like
we should definitely drink gin again. soon.
HE JUST ALLUDED TO FUCKING MY FRESH LOAF OF BREAD
My google history for last night included "Whre is johns house" and "wher can i buy nukes?" Pretty sure they're related to one another.
Vacuum the place before you go out of town there are random glitter cocks everywhere
i like that he makes me laugh. those are like my two favorite things. laughing and fucking.
Randomize
