That chick was all over your bacon last night, grinding on you, I thought you were going to bang her in the club
Dude it was a lap dance
You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
Y'know, without the cops, it would've just been us daydrinking,
he smelled like listerine and beef tacos
I just woke up to pictures of every angle of his dick I'll ever need to see.
Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?
Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.
Omg, you would have loved the guy I almost hit with my car tonight
I just had to remind myself that I'm visible in real life. Sitting in the car in a parking lot, and almost took my shirt off because the tag is itchy and I wanted it off... and you know I don't wear bras...
If I was a guy I'd keep a condom in my pocket, in my wallet, in my backpack, in my car, in my shoe, behind my fucking ear
About to go make a man out of a 24 year old boy
As I shove my ninth taquito of the day into my mouth...
Picking our battles
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Wanna go on a picnic?
... by picnic I mean wanna sit on a blanket and drink with me?
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