I just puked in the walgreens aisle buying gatorade and advil for my hangover... i guess i failed
you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out
he has a knack for choosing the worst time to masturbate
As I sit on the toilet at 4 am I realize tonight could have gone a lot better
K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea
Apparently stumbling across interstate bridges is not cause for concern but screaming Wookie noises at cars is. Thanks, cops.
You tired to make us "vodka tacos". Which was just you dipping pitas in vodka.
Any good?
Well. FUCK YA. But that's beside the point
Competitive oral. I'm always telling girls they are only the fourth, maybe third, best blowjob I've had. They go back down with something to prove.
7:26 bus just came. I am sweatier than Louie Anderson eating chili in a sauna
I told her I had a small penis. Then replied if Peter Pan won with a dagger then so can I
My legs feel like baby dolphins
i'm eating pizza lunchables and telling my boyfriend he can do better than me because i am a functional adult
I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.
When the dude you brought home from the bar on Thanksgiving leaves before you wake up ... #thankful
Turns out my mom didn't really want to know I was in a new dimension last night from smoking so much.
Randomize
