Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!
During sex he started singing that song in Forgetting Sarah Marshall--"Inside of You"--by Russell Brand
Just boiled hotdogs in bongwater. NOT a good idea.
rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them
we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had
This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"
Secondly, that waffle is lost for good. I have no fucking idea where that bitch is
You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
Just bc you put "its cute" at the end of it doesn't change the fact that u have called me a vag twice this morning and its only 10:03
Like I thought me shitting my pants was bad today... Then the election happened.
So as you were leaving, you leaned on the table too much and 3 glasses slid and fell to the floor. You then looked at me and said "To be honest, glass isnt that expensive anyways" and stumbled out of the bar.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
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