Looks like an M-80 went off in a lb. of pastrami
he just had his sister send me a message about how he's not a creeper
Was his mother too busy breastfeeding him to do it?
You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.
and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.
maybe i get so drunk and make stupid mistakes cuz Subconsiously im preparing for my real world debut
This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!
Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..
Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house
He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
Here is your half hour reminder. Meet you at emergency room.
I can already tell, the amount of fun I'm having right now is not nearly going to compensate for the amount of "let us never speak of this again" I'm gonna have tomorrow
I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.
Then, he ate me out while I watched Bo Burnham. Best. Night. Ever.
You just had sex during the movie Radio. This is an all time low
I can guarantee he will smoke me out and I won't feel bad about it because he gets to touch my butt.
Randomize
