My boogers are black from last night. So that's either from all the colored hairspray or inhaling all of the tragedy from the party...
Not really fighting over the same girl. He takes her out to dinner and then I come over and fuck her. We've worked out the perfect relationship.
i gave him a hand job with one hand and held the 40 with the other. this is like freshman year all over again.
At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...
Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.
She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore
My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
Never thought going to McDonald's alone at 3 AM would end with a blowjob outside some random girl's apartment...
You need to be on (or possibly create) the international emoji committee to address all of these glaring oversights
I tried to face swap with Chuck Norris. His face was too powerful... it broke my snap chat.
If I'm legally allowed to go to jail than I should legally be allowed to tell a cop to fuck off. Basic principles.
Yea, but did you really have to throw a sandwich at him??
I'm telling you, I 'm beginning to think that my vagina is magical.
omg last night while walking home from your house I stole a seatless bike and carried it into my next door neighbors kitchen.. we just looked It up online it's an antique and worth $500 dollars
I woke up in a warehouse with the words “Property of Adam” written on my chest in frosting.
Randomize
