you laugh because clearly you have never had to clean poop out of a tub
Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?
Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.
He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.
You know it was a challenge blowing out the candles. It was hard to think of a wish, while drunk, with a concussion.
Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.
I just spent 10 min explaining to my mom how orange is a strange color. I think she knows
I was doing drugs in the men's room so my employee went in to the woman's for the same reason but left proof and got caught. Had to fire him cuz I bogarted his dope spot. Awesome.
If my penis could make facial expressions, it would constantly have a smile on.
You woke us up at 9:15 am still in your toga from last night saying "welcome to my house party...party". You had already filled up the pong cups with yaager/fireball and ordered a chicken platter... Who even delivered that that early???
Two things. 1) party at my house this Friday 2) what was the name of the Australian you fucked on the cruise ship?
Oh BTW the next time I see you I don't care where we are your dick will be going into some part of my body.
He tried to do a JoJo pose and wound up breaking his wrist in the process. Truly a story for the ages.
Randomize
