thank god random hookups don't end with college. happy birthday, america.
Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.
I seriously think I have a tan line on my stomach from getting a boner while in the taning bed.
Hindsight: maybe I should have included a few transitional texts in between talking about your son and my need to have sex. Do over?
I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
The jerky fairy visited my fridge. It's glorious.
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
Seeing Grandma lick chocolate sauce off of the male stripper was definitely not the way I planned to enter the world of legal drinking.
Remember when we were coked out at that house and we were trying to meditate in the bathroom? Who's house were we at?
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I'M TRYING. TO WATCH. PORN. PLS HAVE UR IMPORTANT DISCUSSIONS ELSEWHERE FUCKERS
Apparently I've texted the word shitfucked so much it auto-completes it now.
HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT HOLY SHIT
So I just ran in to the Couger you saw me take home last month who i haven't talked to since then at Wawa and she was PISSED.. APPARENTLY i fucked her niece last week
Kinda. I got kicked outta the bar, and then incited a riot until the cops came and I bailed
Randomize
