I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.
it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.
In less than 3 minutes we had 3 security guards running after us
You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.
Milk that cash cow for all the shots she's worth
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
omg his dad is hot
... I'm currently away at the moment. Leave a msg since I cannot express how much I can't help you stop ruining peoples lives.
Worse: texted mom-in-law by mistake that I sharted.
Worser: she offered to clean me up
Apparently I taped knives to my hands and made everyone call me wolverine
We fucked, she finished, high fived me, the pulled a celebratory pack of gushers out of her purse for each of us. I'm going to marry your sister dude.
Tomorrow's lesson plan is going to be on hangovers and why drinking during the week is never a good idea. I hope my boss approves.
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