we didnt fuck last night. again. seriously, his place is like where dreams go to die.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed
I think I dropped my cock ring in your back yard
I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila
She said she'll drive over, bang, and then head home. It's like ordering a pizza.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
ATTENTION PENIS' OF BURLINGTON: I AM COMING FOR YOU
She helped me out of the car and i face planted into the snow.....and just stayed there and took like a 30 min nap.
I'm about to order this penis-casting kit so text me within 5 mins if you're not down
I just compared my relationship to that double ended dong scene from Requiem. This day just took a turn.
I'm touching everything in your apartment with my penis.
Right before he dumped me... he got a really ugly pair of pants. They were twill pants. A pinkish color. When I'm sad... I picture him in them. It makes me smile.
After drinking all day I popped an adderal, slammed three beers in a row, apparently told the bartender "thanks bitch" then ran on stage.
I blame her lesbian super powers of coercion.
Randomize