i would punch a child for taco bell
Apparently I farted on her in my sleep. Then, just to be sure she was cool, I did it again on purpose and she didnt say anything. So, WIN?
The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace
Why did that cocktail waitress get to sleep with Tiger for 2 years, and all I ever got for living in Whorelando for five years is a couple of pictures with Joey Fatone
We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!
She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things
thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.
Oh okay. That's fine. I'll buy us both dinner when you bail me out
It's a post jail date
Trimming my pubes at 1 AM, drunk, listening to Stevie Ray Vaughn. What has become of me.
Jesus christ stop updating me about every aspect of your life.
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
I’m a go ahead and fuck down ATL. So when I leave in January I’ll have no regrets.
Accidentally drunk dialed my mom last night. Started the conversation with "Where you at girl?"
Going to jail. Warrant. Be home late. For the love of god turn your ringer on.
i just found a pair of your underwear stuffed behind my harry potter books...was that on purpose?
haha no, it was majik
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