I'm having a terrible night. Can I sleep over?
Too tired to pretend that I care : (
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
He was so bad, he was dry humping me and his dick was nowhere close to my vagina.
I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen
I'm riding shot gun after Shawn took a dump in a happy meal box because we were making record time.
I'm approaching homosexuality at an increasingly alarming rate with each break up.
you know i have almost 1500 fb friends but not ONE drunk booty call?
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Pretty sure the guy at the Halloween party dressed as an ice cream man is working his way through the building without a care for gender or age. He high-fives me on his way out each morning.
Well, that's not my fault. I make decisions all the time when I'm drunk.
Have you ever had a pregnancy test laugh at you?
The worst thing about buying this extremely comfortable bed is that once I get a girl into it, all she wants to do is sleep. I want my fucking money back.
Why does 10AM Spanish always turn into a discussion about my sex life?
Today I saw someone riding a horse on the sidewalk by aldi when I went to walmart. Old town road was playing on the radio. It was perfect.
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