Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me
You picked a bad night to stay in. ____ caught her hair on fire in ____'s birthday cake.
She had to stop drop and roll while two other girls beat the flames out. She might have a black eye
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.
He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?
how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?
I take back all the times I've said life was unfair. I'm about to have two trained bartenders for a girlfriend and roommate
Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.
I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read
Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.
The guy I blew last night was pierced in multiple places. I had to use extra caution to avoid my temporary filling.
Drunk Karaoke resulted in only 8 injuries this time, so there is some improvement.
Well I can cross 'get my dick slathered in coconut oil while watching the bob's burgers porn parody' off my bucket list.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
I don't mean to alarm you but are the strongest testicles in the family. I just learned I can lift 90 lb with my balls! Beat that.
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