im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina
dude, I'm passing out in the fifth floor janitors closet. Let me know when the rooms opened back up
Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt
There is a homeless man handing out free beer on the city bus. He has a cooler and everything. I love this trashy yet generous city.
I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.
I filled two of the glass ornaments in my mom's bathroom last night with vodka. That way no one sees me drinking on Christmas. Alcoholic or genius? All I know it makes bathroom trips frequent and enjoyable.
at first i was on the bathroom floor cuz i was hungover. now im just here because it is cool
The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.
Ya that ship has sailed dude
That money I left you should go to the stripper that fell asleep in your bed. Sorry
Just ate a gummy bear I found in my sheets. So yeah, 2013 is SO gonna be my year.
So I get to my parents and walk in the door so my mom knows I'm safe and alive and my grandpa looks at me and says "were you being someone's bitch". And I about died of laughter
Wow, he seems so solid
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Can we relax the "married man" rule just once?
we found her. shes in the bathtub full of raw pasta. i dont even know...
Sitting in the dr office she literally looked at my throat and goes have you been having oral intercourse
Randomize
