Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.
I have a voicemail from Mike at 1am. He starts to say something, but then throws up instead.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
I don't care who it's from we're getting blown. It's a 3 day weekend anything can happen
Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?
It's cool, I power napped on the dryer while they were fucking in the bathroom so I'm good to go now. Where are you?
420 is off to a bad start. Mark wake/baked WAY too much, and he has spent over $50 on the claw machine in the grocery store.
No more chicken and waffles served by drag queens at 2 AM. :(
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
He called me kiddo. We can't have sex
You're going to replace me with a robot made of heating blankets and a vibrator?
Apparently the cops had to handcuff me in order to get me to come with to the hospital with them. They asked me if I had had any experience with handcuffs before and I replied, "Only in bed." What a life
I tired using vodka to remove my makeup
She played the piano. I played the piano. She got on top of the piano. I got on top of her.
Christ, I'm so hungover I pretty positive I sent Luna to school with salsa instead of jelly on her sandwich.
Randomize
