Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good
I saw his package. It spoke to me.
I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.
Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.
its awkward enough using a urinal next to your dad but its worse finding out hes one of the guys who goes no hands and moans it out
They made out. Sounded like hippos drinking water
Was having a panic attack, but I'm out of xanax. Substituting with vodka shots and breathing exercises. My therapist will be proud, yes?
I've blown him while he hit my bong, I've blown him while he played video games and now I'm looking for a new challenge. Don't even try suggesting a blumpkin.
Somehow my drug dealer is stuck in my air-vent and now everything smells like patchouli, weed, deoderant and sweat.
I just found 20 dollars in my vibrator box. Was it a drunken sign to myself to get more?
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I'm so happy we share a mutual love of laughing at religion.
On a scale of 1-10, how inappropriate is it to sneak into someone's box of sex toys and put googly eyes on their vibrator?
Wearing my one sleeve dress...thought you'd like to know I shaved ONE armpit lol
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
It was like a single vaginal boat in a sea of one eyed monsters
Randomize
