I think my vagina is haunted
so she called me drunk and made me stay on the phone with her while she puked.
there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.
After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all
She wanted to to do it on top of a horse, I can't compete with that
I just did something so unspeakable in the panera bathroom that their health score dropped 10 points.
The $10 cab ride turned into a $60 cab ride when you puked down the back of his seat trying to whisper in his ear. He was a trooper though, he came into to wash off in the sink and still tried to get your number.
i gave up on the vacation being fun the night i ate all the marshamallows out of the lucky charms while everyone else was having sex in the condo
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
I ran into his family and they made me a ham sandwich and I asked if they wanted to come streaking. I felt they deserved the invite.
Last year you twerked on my Christmas tree and threw up all over the bathroom...in front of my parents. We should probably keep power hour to ONLY an hour this year
I just ate your leftovers whilst watching Garfield and Friends. Thank you across the board.
I always can't wait to see you but when there's also an opportunity to get naked it elevates to an entirely different level
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
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