She was so drunk that I kept trying to switch out her wine for water. Sort of like Jesus, but in reverse.
honestly, magaritas are the void men can't fill.
Why is your vibrator in the fridge?
I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
Apperanlty I was screaming "It's hard to swim with a broken ankle sir" and then tackled the lifeguard. The joys of blackouts
i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.
well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
Yeah i'd say someone being in the room while you're doing someone makes them eligible for fb friendship
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
if i ever wake up in the morning and don't feel a boner in my asscrack then this relationship is over
Finally met a man who appreciates my beer pong skills, definitely a keeper for the weekend
Going overboard is basically 75% of my personality
I'm a gorgeous hot mess
He casually compared computer science to childbirth and I was like "hey, as someone who has wanted to fuck you for six months now, could you please never talk about childbirth ever again"
I basically spent the entire weekend in bed with that red head.Every time I tried to leave she got me too horny to think straight. I was kidnapped by vagina
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