i just had sex with a fat kid who giggles when he cums. tequila really lowers my standards.
Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.
Well when you're drinking tequila mixed with water out of a steve Austin cup I really don't think acquiring a straw is your main priority
will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?
He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
You know how hard it is to play cool while not drowning and appreciating a pair of butts at the same time?
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
A lumberjack bearing the gift of small oranges or gymnast sex... I love you man but you lose that battle 9 out of 10
Have you seen him ? Seriously. No one is that straight.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
I just wrote my resume on the same park bench I got felt up at in freshman year of highschool... I've truly come full circle
But I made it seem like I wasn't hungover at work, so that's a plus.
Ugh. I need to go to the store, but I'm too lazy. Whatever shall I do? That girls still passed out. I should steal her car
I feel like I purchased a one way ticket to hell last night and its non refundable.
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