Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.
I just named my vagina "The Boneyard"
More like "Chia Pet"
I just found a beer pong ball in my mail box. I think its a sign
Two things. 1 - I want to apologize for my drunkeness last night. 2 - I want to pre-apologize for my anticipated drunkeness tonight.
Call me when you wake up. I wanna start drinking but I'm giving up hope on my life if I drink alone before 10 am
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
You know you're hung-over when you're smoking and have the strong urge to eat the cigarette. No more buckets of gin. No. More. Ever.
You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.
I just finished a four mile round trip walk to CVS to buy shaving cream and lube. You're welcome.
If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed
He said that he had extra crunchy taquitos and wanted to go down on me.. I mean how could I say no?
If you come home to me in lingerie and you start vacuuming...I need to reevaluate my priorities
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
It's his. I know, I'm pregnant with a genetic douche bag but at least he'll be pretty!
Speaking of dumpster fires, your ex tried to add me on Facebook
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