the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.
I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.
theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away
Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"
Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.
The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.
I walked in on him fucking my best friend. I think we've reached the point of following each other on twitter.
The only person more miserably hungover from the party is the dog, and that's because he ate some balloons
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Drunk him got in a fight with his wife he literally bought a plane ticket and flew to Hawaii. He just called me and asked why I let it happen. From Hawaii hahaha.
Some guy walking down the sidewalk just looked at me and said "hey it's the world champ". How drunk was I on Friday...?
I have never been that aroused while laughing my ass off in my life
Are you texting me while pooping again?
I'm also playing fetch with the dog
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
