i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me
The iPhone is ruining my ability to sex message. My 5-year-old cousin just picked up my phone at my grandmas birthday party and read "I wanna stand you up and fuck you from behind" to my entire extended family bc of popped up on my screen
Someday soon you'll wake up next to a bottle of jameson and a half eaten lean cuisine and then you'll be just like me.
And surprisingly enough iPhone does not have an app for Russian mail order brides.
I wouldn't fuck her. Looks like her vagina smells like a seaside orgy.
I found an HIV test/information brochure on the kitchen table and what i can only assume to be an "I'm sorry you might have AIDS" gift bag, complete with a candle and popcorn, and I haven't seen you in 36 hours. You good?
I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra
I feel like a cloud. A cloud that wants to be laid.
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
I was too drunk to remember throwing up so i probably didn't learn my lesson
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I just googled "can they trace a vibrator back to you" so that' s how my life it going.
I think he thought I was too drunk to handle his parrot
My boobs are hoarders, they steal food and hide it. Greedy bitches.
No I don't. You owe me sex and cinnamon rolls.
Randomize
