Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
Do you remember when I jumped into your arms and you farted?
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
I think I just puked all over my comforter and my roomdmate won't wakt up to washc it for me
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.
I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
Laying on a pile of just out of the dryer clothes because this is NOT real life.
I'm going to miss hockey season. It was the best excuse to get drunk on a Tuesday night.
Some lady found my secret pooping bathroom at work. Do I fight her Highlander style? I made or may not be fashioning a crude sword from seat covers and toilet paper rolls.
Do it. DO IT. There can be only one.
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
Whatcha doing tonight? Reply TURNUP if you are drinking, or STOP to cancel messages
Was the picture of her twerking on a fake plant sufficient?
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