No idea how I passed that sobriety test.
at church Sunday morning I dropped an M&M down my dress and it landed in my bra. I fished it out and ate it. A lot of people saw me.
It's a sad day when you realize you are no longer above fucking in movie theater bathrooms.
:( I miss blowjobs.
This is probably the strangest conversational segue we've ever had.
Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity
You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.
You didn't know it was a gay bar until the 7th guy rejected you. You were crying because you thought it was just a bad night. No more for you.
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Girl at work pointed out that the blood vessels around my eyes were all popped and I smell like puke
Imagine cans of beer raining. Like not hitting you and hurting you. Just gently falling into your hand whenever you're sad
When asked if they had been introduced, Damo said "No but I know we've pretty much fucked all the same girls in town"
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
Maybe life is about finding the person you DO want to cuddle with after they rail you like a porn star
Randomize
