Isn't the perk of being in a relationship not having to put in effort for sex?
She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.
Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.
For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
You better be coming back...your date is passed out in a shrub in my backyard and I'm pretty sure her shirt is on my kitchen floor
Im just a social blackout drinker.
My boss just told me not to come back to work if I decide to drink. Challenge accepted.
Abby spilt her vodka all over the train's bathroom floor
WE'RE THE ONES DRESSED UP FOR THE LARGEST DRINKING HOLIDAY IN AMERICA WHO ELSE ON THIS TRAIN IS A SUSPECT FOR THIS SMELL?!
And regarding bottomless mimosas stopping at 1 pm, there was a chick who drove her car into the back of the bar. Blame that bitch, not you peeing in the koi pond.
Let's go get coffee and handcuffs.
I don't know. I'm drunk and dressed as a pirate but ill do the math tomorrow morning.
They also submitted to my demands for pizza
I just got the high sucked out of me. Fuck.
GOD I WOULD STAB DANNY IN THE EYE WITH HIS OWN PENIS
.........That big, huh?
No. I would cut it off
Randomize
