I woke up this morning naked, with a to-go box from Qdoba, an entire meal completely untouched. I have been piecing together my night to find some answers. I feel like Nancy Drew.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.
Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?
You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?
Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Someday, but I will be heavily drugged and there will be no dolphins.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
Didn't want you to think it had been open season on my vagina since we broke up.
I would agree. Whose business is it if I like to guzzle vodka by the liter on my of time? Answer: mine.
You kept whispering to me that the guy making your burrito was an angel.
Yeah,I'm just gonna keep fucking other guys til this idiot figures out he loves me.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
you have 10 seconds to explain why the toilet is full of bread or its ALL GOING ON YOUR BED.
Randomize
