Im wearin a dollar bill hat and tgkin a big girl home. Lifi is gmwnd
remember that night we drank a bottle of vodka and went to mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu, twice?
we can't do that now- first b/c they got rid of that menu and 2 b/c we are broke now. damn this recession.
did he really ask u insert a warm banna in ur anal?
Thanks for sticking it out with old horseface last night... I owe you one buddy.
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
Who's nuvaring is under my pillow?
Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.
after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste
So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers
I need to find out this kids work schedule. I need mustache rides on my lunchbreaks.
Your lack of enthusiasm for my exciting news of drunken debauchery with an otherwise occupied vagina of one of my greatest conquests yet disturbs me. I'm not happy with you
Fun Fact: I do not remember what its like to be sober between drinking off and on for two weeks at my "vacation" and being on painkillers for my mouth now
That's really the only reason I'm dating you, the prospect that I might get bacon
She rode me wearing nothing but a Santa hat. Merriest fucking Christmas!
he just kept biting everyone and singing hilary duff songs. i can't even bring him to a gas station.
Randomize
