I can already tell this is gonna be one of those parties where we sit across the room and text about people.
I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.
By the end of the second bowl I was making sound effects to every hand movement he made.
i stole $50 bucks from my girlfriends purse to pay for my other girls abortion pill...shes gonna be pissed
you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
He puked on the grill while the burgers were on. We had to go to taco bell
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Got into the physics lab with my student id, hooked up over break when school was closed. I regret no payments for tuition.
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
Sad realization: so long as I use this sleep apnea machine, I will never be the little spoon!
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
just saw two eagle scouts making out in chic-fil-a
God help them if any millennials are in the vicinity. Rent is too high and we no longer fear death
At a bar in the city and the whole place starting singing “Happy Birthday” to someone. Everyone but me. The person next to me leaned over and said, “Why didn’t you sing along?!?” I responded, “I don’t know him. I don’t give a shit if he has a happy birthday.”
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