I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
he kept kneeing me like he was playing footsies... only then i realized it was his dick.
the young, male pastor of my church has a jesus fish tramp-stamp. I made him show me.
his cum tasted like old pizza and looked like old milk
She is a fish and this place is a barrel. I can play this game.
i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv
Of course I lose my iPhone but still manage to hold on to the ruler for my dirty teacher costume
I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.
Most men with as many freckles as you aren't vagina magnets. You are an exception to your kind.
I woke up naked on his boat with a cowboy hat on with a boat cover over me... Thank you tequila!
You got pulled on stage by a stripper who wore ruffled ankle socks and did jumping jacks for her dance. Then you were put in a chokehold by a security guard that almost cried because you supposedly said "fuck you!" to him.
Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?
One day no one will want to send me dick pics so by all means keep 'em coming
Lol for real, I'm Kylie Jenner "this is my year of realizing things" right now
I woke up in my basement holding someone else's underwear and a bottle of mouthwash . I wish I could explain more than that but i can't remember ...
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