mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me
Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed
Trying to figure out which chair my head was under last night
You are number one in my heart. But in the dick Olympics you're disqualified.
I want to throw all of their shoes in the pool so I feel like there is some justice in the world
We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.
I climbed up on the tank of the toilet so I could take a slo-mo vid of myself pissing into the garbage can, but the base of the toilet shattered and I had to bail.
I don't give a shit if you judge. This isn't about you or anyone else. This is about me and my chicken tenders.
You can trust me. I'm unemployed and not wearing pants.
I did crash a prom last night though.. It was fun
you walked into the party, and all you had on was your left sock... literally.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
So apparently I’m into choking now
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