I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.
The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.
I heard that if you win you get to have sex with me. You guys really need to stop wagering my vagina.
it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..
Boy did I ever crash and burn on the pickled egg pick up line.
I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"
She had cheddar bay biscuits in her purse. Biscuits, Id and cash. I'm gonna marry her.
How can someone be so bad at fingering? It's such a simple concept
Well be careful man. Be careful. Wear shoes in the house. Safety. Safety first, then teamwork.
Who am I sleeping next to in your bed? Where are you? Also when are you coming home... I need coffee.
I saw it and almost just was like "Ice breaker: your penis is massive" but I didn't.
I'm washing down the sadness with shots of vodka.
I might run out into oncoming traffic. Id rather break my legs and/or die then continue with today.
I need to stop acting like a porn star that isn't getting paid
Don't worry, I'm not gonna try making you Eskimo sisters with your mom
Randomize
