Hey guys thanks for lettin me crash at your place for the weekend, I had a great time. PS I got three quarters of a hand job from an asian on the dance floor last night. True story.
Tonight, I'm planning on being a bigger trainwreck than Britney Spears circa 2007.
im poppin the ladies like they're bacne
Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?
Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"
all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.
While I was fucking her, they came in and served us both weed from a hookah. best. friends. ever.
Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.
Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'
there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!
Wait are they playing beer pong to?
I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.
I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.
That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.
I find it worrying that she bit me in bed. Then proceeded to write her name in bite marks. All without ever losing the rhythm of our fucking.
Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.
I have a surprise for you guys
What is it?
A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS
Randomize
