so apparently we got drunk enough at the reception to rip the center pieces apart and use the flower vases as "fancy glasses"
one of the service guys here said i licked ranch off your face lastnight
Woke up with 3 sports bras for underwear. Valiant effort drunk me.
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
Should I tell him the real reason I was in the hospital, or should I just keep him thinking the side effect he thought was in for was allergy related, not I just miscarried the child I didn't know we were having?
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
"what's it like being a dancer turned stoner" well, i can change the netflix using my feet mid bongrip, so there's that.
I was orgasming and dying of laughter at the same time. I think I've found the One.
Odd start to the day - the FBI just showed up at my apartment.
How the hell could he be confused. He had a naked girl running to him. I feel like he would enjoy that.
I just got his Save the Dave and, to answer your next question, NO I AM NOT GOING TO THE WEDDING OF THE GUY WHO GOT DRUNK AND CAME ON MY CHEST.
stop texting me about your public sex.
says she who narrated getting eaten out in a movie theatre over text to me
I rewired his car so that every time he hits the gas the horn and the OnStar turn on every time he hits the brake the panic alarm goes off.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Well, let me first tell you that jack and cokes were ONE FUCKING DOLLAR.. It's like the club wanted me to make poor choices.
Randomize
