I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
life lesson# 3: saying thank you on a subway really means "im not a native new yorker, so please feel free to touch my ass"
hmm. interesting. explain how you came across this knowledge.
i sneezed. he said bless you. i said thank you. he groped. i again said thank you.
Im at a party and this guy hitting on me just showed me his 'caution choking hazard' tattoo right above his penis. There goes any chance he had of getting laid tonight.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in
regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle
Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.
He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.
Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.
Sober me is really good at getting to the airport on time. Drunk me is really good at shitting my pants. Do you know how much pants cost at the airport????
Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.
We should probably go now, otherwise the whores will descend.
Hypothetical Question: Would you take a cougar bullet for me?
Sorry I didn't call this morning. Ended up with a decorated war veteran last night who besides finding the enemy, KNEW where the fuck my G spot was. He gets a medal in my book!
scale of one to ten how loathsome is it to save my chocolate easter bunny to use for a topping on my edibles
Randomize
