Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.
They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"
Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day
my last search of the night was "the physics of green eggs and ham" what the fuck
There is a doctor sitting next to me at lunch talking about the engorged scrotum surgery he did this morning and I am about to lose my professional grown adult facade.
just imagine me sitting naked on a toilet with a fully-clothed dude i havent seen in 2 years, trying to make normal conversation except that im covered in blood and he's helping wipe me down while i try not to pass out because blood makes me NERVOUS. And he's apologizing and i'm apologizing.
He didn't get how "starting a flash flood in my thunderhole" was a sexy euphemism. Deal breaker.
I am now picking what guy I will hang out with based on how many Pokémon they live near.
my goal is to never have a bac of 0.0 the whole time while in the state of florida, which means i have to chug a beer before i cross the state line
i cant go to his party cause last time i pressed the red buttons on the wall and the fire alarm went off for 40 minutes, i'm not allowed back there
Randomize
