What. The. Fuck. No, you will not spank me.
That wasn't intended for you, my bad.
Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'
how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots
nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster
second attempt at shower sex: failed after the water turned orange bc of a fire up the street. this is just not meant to be
I feel like death gave me a hand job
Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"
Well. Turns up no one actually knows who that kid was. Came in, said happy fathers day, chilled for a while, then left.
I have a callous on the palm of my hand just below my ring finger that is entirely from opening so many beer bottles. I'm strangely proud right now.
I HAVE to find her. I've got a pretty decent pic of her footprint on my headboard. Wonder if I can get one of the podiatry majors to help?
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
i just smoked marajunia from a shotgun barrell. what have you done today?
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Broken heels while double fisting margaritas, picking up shirtless, bloody men and escorting them out of harms way, the meltdown when I realized I can go without a bra bc my boobs shrunk, the morning vodka red bull you were forced to drink? Which one roped you in?
How was your night?
Good. I made people cry and run home
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