I'm so fucking centered right now
TLC. RIGHT NOW. PRIMORDIAL TODDLERS.
Dude my date hates me, Im on a rooftop full of Turkish people, and Ricky Martin is blasting on the radio. I was wrong earlier when I said I have my shit together
On a scale of one to trashy, how is this: Got drunk, gave a guy a hand job. In the middle of the bar
I think you broke the trashy scale
Dont even try and act like it wasn't you who made the sex tape of my dogs.
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.
Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?
Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.
My biggest accomplishment thus far this summer is having sex 5 weeks after hip surgery.
You shouldn't do laundry high cus pink.
Why is there no Netflix category for "I just wanna cry, but I don't have time for a whole romcom"?
my throat is bruised, my back is scarred, my vagina feels like it's going to fall off.. you're like godzilla. you destroy everything.
He said he's in to distance fucking. I thought he just mean long durations. We fucked on a towel all the way down his tile hallway accross his kitchen and into the living room
That's good. So do you know why there is a giant pile of old tires in the laundry room and kitchen?
Well we knew you needed some tires, found someone on the way home who was giving them away and took them all. Has to be 4 in there you can use.
Randomize
