once we finished he held up the condom and asked if i wanted to keep it as a souvenir.
oh and he was serious.
I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table
just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good
She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.
beware of the wheat thins...there might be a knife in it
dont worry it didnt get any better. she locked herself in his room and was screaming at the top of her lungs "IM GUNA PEE ON YOUR BED"
And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan
That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.
If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
I'm not letting you use my bathroom unsupervised anymore. You peed in the sink thinking it was a urinal...
the guy I've been trying to get with saw my brother's genitals before he saw mine, so that's my life.
30% sure Kevin and I just adopted a cat. Talk to me when the sun's up but I really feel like that's a thing.
Sorry I drunk. I wouldn’t eat those pancakes. I think I put glitter in them.
She won't let me meet her hot new boy toy just because she thinks it'll lead to us having a threesome. It's not fair. I thought we were friends...
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