I'm calling you out on twitter if you don't come over right now.
Pre-pickelized cucumber-hand invasion!! RUN!!!!!!!!!!
I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
He just texted me from the outside of the hospital. He called the fat broad in the bar mrs snuffleupagus about 60 times and she broke a bottle of blackberry brandy over his head.
you went to ralph's and bought all of their pears and left them outside my house
Pretty much just farted directly in a baby's mouth on the subway
I think we've gotten passed awkward... the day I woke up at the palms and ur getting eaten out by the dude who just fucked me on the balcony.
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Dinner at 5, shrooms at 10.
I'm not in the business of asking people about their lizard
I meant his actual lizard not his manhood
Are you telling me right now that the weed man sexted you?
THE WEED MAN SEXTED ME!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
you need to drop off my dinner before you go see him because i'm not gonna wait until you're finished fucking him to get my damn chinese food
Randomize
