im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra
Thats about the time I should have known you would run around naked and try to make out with my sleeping mother
my Econ professor just passed around his phone for us to take a pic of ourselves so he could learn our names. I am currently looking him up on my sex offenders app.
Just checked my bank account while shitting blood. Neither action felt good when I was done.
So my retainer doesn't fit, so i'm getting drunk so i can put it back in. Alone.
You would...
He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.
did i mention he attempted to milk her in backseat?
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.
someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?
since 2006
he sneezed into my face mid-kiss
Bless his heart
Hold me and let me compliment your butt
I woke up in bed spooning a vacuum cleaner
Pretty sure I just scored Election Day sex based on the theory that if either of these fools win the world as we know it is over so we might as well get a few orgasms in...
Thanks for wearing matching bob ross shirts to the bar with me and referring to every guy as a happy little accident
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