4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..
I'm sorry my penis didn't work
My wife says its no good to have oral sex during pregnancy. So i guess pregnancy is like regular life.
Why was I handcuffed to the roof?
It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
I was really sad when you left and cried. And i don't know what a face promise is, but apparently i made you make one.
He had a curved dick....must be a european thing
EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT
Just blew my age on the breathalyzer. I also have 8 stitches in my head. So worth a .22 though. All time record.
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.
My roomate has me out looking for easter kegs hidden arround town
I'm so baked, I spent the last hour trying to screencapture the cracks on my phone.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
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