i just had a dream that i could control how black Will Smith was with a remote.i need to stop sleeping with the TV on
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
just realized the sink is the perfect height to piss into never cleaning the toilet again
before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave
Second night spent with creepy guy. I either need to change his nickname or stop doing this.
I knew I fucked up when I woke up with the meat scissors in my hand.
Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"
i'm sitting in class and looking at who would die if all the fans suddenly fell from the ceiling. i guess i have next year to pass history..
Febreezed myself at a stop light on the way to the IRS office. Judgmental glare from some old lady in the car next to me, thumbs up from her husband.
It's okay. I've dumbed down my notes over the semester because I knew I wouldn't be up to understanding things come finals.
I just did the walk of shame..with a blanket and a cup that says i will out drink all you bitches. This was not how i pictured 25.
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
you are the root of all my greats nights and my worsts decisions
I’M PUT OFF FROM FOOD RN BC EARLIER I GOT SOME WATER AND I WAS 4 SIPS IN WHEN I NOticed A FUCKING BURGER KING F R Y IN MY D R I N K
Stop letting me drink alone on saturdays. My last 2 google searches were "short legs" and "caterpillar eyebrows" ? I don't even know.
Randomize
