I hope you had to get up out of bed and walk across your room to check this text message
You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...
I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Also I think he would slowly, painfully, die. You really can't live without a penis. You'd explode.
I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.
He asked us to wake him up with a strobe light. We had it going in front of his face full power for half and hour and he didn't even blink.
thanks for piggy backing me around for the rest of the night when I got too drunk to stand.
Well I mean I HAD done a pretty good job of not pooping myself through the years
I refuse to go to a doctor for a sex injury, not when I've come so far already
I think I met my butt stuff soulmate
Holding your hair back while you puked wasn't a choice. I was handcuffed to you.
And he claims I gave him “fuck me” eyes while he was ordering me a happy meal
I prefer to think of hangovers as extreme sobriety, which can only be cured by more booze
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize