wooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooooo
ooooooooooooo i'm drink
So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid
How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.
Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%
sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else
She had a cast on when I met her, but she blamed me for breaking her arm this morning. I'm gonna marry this girl.
They never prepare you for how broke ur gonna be in college. I just accepted money from two underage girls at a gas station to buy them beer only because I'm trying to figure out a way to run off with it without them noticing.
Dude, use it to buy them beer. Then run the beer to ur car as fast as you can and bring it to the party. Seriously, we're running out of booze over here
Far too many of our conversations end in us talking about sperm
Your babysitter texted, wants me to pay with weed. I don't know where to get any & don't want to. Will she take cigarettes instead? Or um, cash? Like a person?
don't do laundry while your drunk! i found a ketchup bottle & clothes hanger in the washer this morning!
Drunk and bowling. Only good things can come of this
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
