When I went to court, my judge's name was Honorable Ball. I couldn't stop laughing.
that probably didn't help your case.
he told us the story of how he fought ketchup, mustard, and thomas the train engine all in one night. if that doesn't sound like an acid trip i dont know what does.
I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.
I fell asleep on the table at Denny's. Told the waitress to wake me up when my burger was there.
I used puppy pads next to the couch for her to throw up on....
I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.
PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.
I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.
That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"
I threw up for like 20 hours. Im gonna be the DD for the next 5 years.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
My sobriety has gotten out of control. I think I need an intervention.
I've got to stop being so hungover that I puke in the fine establishments of this glorious town.
YAY! I just removed my own stitches, and I'm only bleeding from one spot! on a related note, do you think a dishwasher will sterilize forceps and trauma shears?
we should most definitely have a fire extinguisher in the apartment. like... for sure
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