Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.
I just realized that I'm gonna have to lower my standards if I want random head.
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...
That kid i sell weed to just had his mom give him a ride over here she waited in the car while he bought a bag
Guess I was throwing darts at a patrons head last night, lol! Black out
Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.
P.s. I wore your shirt today and it has your blood all over it, but I am at a funeral home and they are using embalming fluid to get your blood stains out right now.
I got sprayed in the face with titty milk and I'm still so traumatized
He stood next to me peeing as I was puking behind a car in the parking lot, telling me how much he loved me. On the other hand, he loves me!
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
What??! Dude I'm not having you barging in at like 2 am smelling of cigarettes and disappointment to sleep on my couch and then have an awkward morning with my wife while I'm at work.
Touché sir
You were so drunk, you kept telling everyone you had a platinum vagina.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
When you called me I said did you make it home. You said yeah. Then you said you didn't know where you were. I said you were at home and you said but where. I said you are in the bathroom. Then you said oh, you're so smart lol
Randomize
