don't you miss dr. quinn: medicine woman? i do.
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
If I squint, he looks like Jude Law. But that's kind of a weird face to make during sex.
he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.
Watching the tv in the reflection of my phone cause I'm too hungover to roll over.... Yes it is 4 PM...
I need something for rope burns and an inner ear infection. Separate incidents, FYI..
I'm gonna eat more dunkaroos to cope with what's in my vagina.
I was just asked by a police officer to not come back to Lancaster...
The NSA quit spying on phones. I'm sending you SO MANY dick pics.
A girl just invited me over for a blowjob and beer. Is this a trap?
It's my birthday, dammit, and I'm getting something for free. I don't care if it's just a drink at the bar.
YOU CAN GET THIS DICK FOR FREE
How did your walk of shame include a trip to Walmart and how did you bump into the cop that arrested you last night there?
If I ever say "I'm never drinking again" just hand me a bottle of jack. I'll snap out of it.
Why is there an inflatable flamingo in the backseat of my car?
Just got your voicemail. The 3am call wasn't a drunk dial, it was an I left my phone in my pocket then has wild animalistic sex dial...
I hate you.
You LOVE me.
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