Also, I'm sitting at a crosswalk watching two Mexican gangs fight each other. I miss you too. A lot.
Was just shown the photos from a professional photoshoot my aunt had for their dog...not drunk enough for this...
I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?
Let's go get our ovaries removed together. It'll be like bonding by getting mani/pedis, but with more vicodin and less unwanted pregnancies.
I love how four vibrators are within reach of me right now, but not a single hair brush or comb
You know you're too drunk when you start calling people out for unfollowing you on social networks.
The only time we had a decent conversation was when he was on acid, and, like, that's not a great start to a relationship.
I think I pulled a boob muscle during phone sex
I woke up this morning to find myself laying in a beer puddle with "I'm sorry" written on the shaft of my dick and Nicole was nowhere to be found. Gotta love her
Dude...itll be a youre-still-a-dick-but-a-hot-one-angry-hate-evil-spite kinda fuck. This is acceptable.
This is my life. Currently ordering a gift for my straight married girlfriend's husband from my lesbian married girlfriend.
Randomize
