I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.
I learned to sign I want to be on you today
Score
Deaf chicks here I come
He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.
my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER
I want a vodka facial right about now. I'm talking about straight vodka bukkake
It's official drugs can't kill me
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
Sooo Zach and Judd are on my porch drunk eating leaves and flowers...
The majority of the reason I want to get my pilot's license is so I can use the argument "FUCK YOU! I'M A PILOT!"
Also I'm at the pub and there are old lady pirates gyrating on a pole. I wish you were here.
I swear to God, if you have sex in my bed one more time you're gonna start paying rent
He unofficially told me he deleted his tinder because of me. I think that’s a pretty romantic gesture in 2018
He kept saying "Ayyyyyyy" during foreplay... during sex.... during everything! It felt like I was having sex with friggin Fonzie from Happy Days!
Omg I just smoked and it was the end so I basically got resin and death, my throat feels like the twilight vampire description of their thirst for blood
It's a testament to the kinds of spouses/parents we will be that we get so wasted but still show up to every class on time. We honor our commitments bitches!
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