When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.
You know you're hung over when your pose in art class is lying face down on the platform
I am telling you that nothing wakes you up like stomach acid exiting your nostrils at 10AM
shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas
I'm over this relationship. I'm just going to get drunk all day, wake up in a puddle of my own vomit again, and go on with my life
When I blacked in, I was crying to my father at the swim-up bar that "I was going to win an Oscar." how do you THINK Mexico was?
I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness
When you give the bridesmaid toast someday at my wedding I need you to quote Ricky Bobby in some form. And slip in your sister has the vagina of awesomeness. That is all.
Hungover and I may throw up in my therapist's office. Maybe he is right about my drinking
When you and Blake get an apartment I want you to buy this Costco couch I'm currently passing out on.
So I was trying to finish off that sick uv whipped and I chased it with yogurt. Not a good idea
Ah. Hot spring. Infinitely less skeevy than a hot tub. These North Carolinian dudes are all class.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
I don't know which is worse, the fact that his name is Kevin or the fact that he has a pornstache.
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