i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second
i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead
If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.
I've never seen a kid turn down a sure thing for a possible handy by a freshmen. You need to re-evaluate.
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.
Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Every time I someone I meet again from that wedding it turns into the "Oh your the guy who puked in the hallway and passed out in front of the elevator."
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
currently googling "apology gifts for when you poop on their floor"
How do I tell my hairdresser I want a hair style I saw in a porn video?
I also know you puked in your shoe.
That would explain the note .... I apparently wrote myself an apology note from drunk to sober me .... saying "sorry for the fancy shoe soup" .... ugh I'll never drink again ...
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
That moment when you're in a room with 3 guys and know how big their dicks are. Then you are married to the one with the smallest dick.
if I start to respond to these political texts with a middle finger emoji - do you think they will get the hint?
Randomize
