I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.
I wanna get so fucked up that I try to catch a coyote in a pillowcase, breakdance fight a lion, and send back some toast at Denny's when I see its slightly burnt.
Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.
I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.
i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.
at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache
I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.
Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello
Aaaand my life has been reduced to whether I can reach to flush my puke down the toilet using my foot. The answer is yes.
I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself
Just specific performance'd my way into her pants. I literally said specific performance and that shit worked. Thanks B. Law!
Fingerblasting some girl on the deck tryna get her to fuck on a lifeboat
Thanks for that golden cinnamony goodness that flowed from your fake tits last night haha
I pack a first-aid kit when I DD for you. What does that tell you about your partying? For what I see and do, paying my food and gas for the night is a goddamn BARGAIN.
I just snorted sandwich everywhere.
I hope it smells nice :)
IT DOESN'T BECAUSE I HAVE MEAT COMING OUT OF MY NOSE, DAMNIT.
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